consecrates | (no subject)

[ oh vidar, she'll end your suffering now ]

no, you're not crazy.
because if you're crazy, then i'm crazy too since it's the same thing that i've been telling the both of them.

i understand being afraid of how the other person would react once they talk, given the number of things they apparently hide from each other.
but they've known each other longer and better than us, so i assume they at least trust each other to some extent that they won't shoot each other in the head once they start being honest with one another, right?

we're both right, right?

Maybe that's the problem.

I'm a very emotional person. My partner is, as well, but he's a lot more restrained than I am. When we talk, we put down rules together to make it manageable. And we need it, because otherwise we'd literally kill each other.

Maybe that's what they need? I don't want to be cruel and dismissive. But being afraid and only offering your life in exchange to repair it when honesty offends or hurts, and adding the number of apologies added in turn ... that's not helpful.

And I hate to use myself as an example because I'm hardly the best role model here around, but I'm arguably more able to find moments to be happy with someone I've got a long and fraught history with. Watch me fucking jinx myself after this and actually kill him now that I've said we're occasionally decent to each other.

it's not cruel and dismissive.
offering your life to soften the blow of a truth that's going to hurt anyway is just a pointless way to die.
and it's the same as running away.

do you think it'll work for them, though?
i have a sinking feeling they'll get into a huge argument even just from putting down rules between them.
i mean, they already get into petty arguments about the smallest of things.

[ ... should she interfere again with her magic? she's telling herself she shouldn't, but. ]

[ running away, huh. he'd never thought of it like that, but it's true -- what else could it be? the weight of the argument feels familiar, like he can taste it in his mouth and feel it like salt water and it's not for him or them to solve, but it's in their vicinity like a time bomb. one has to try and nudge it to a less populous place to explode. ]

It's very bizarre to talk to someone who isn't secure with who they like or themselves.

Even if they have arguments all the time, it should not be a deterrent to being together, unless both agree there's absolutely no salvaging it along the way. And both of them are still loyal to each other, so there's something worth salvaging for them.

If it doesn't work for them, I hesitate to think what happens after, because neither of them can hold back being themselves in another relationship. They don't like being alone. What's the alternative to someone who doesn't like being alone?

idk, dying maybe?
or finding a substitute, which is probably worse.

[ maybe dying is a little too severe. but finding a replacement to forget about the other person and essentially just spread the hurt to other unsuspecting people? it's not unthinkable. ]

i honestly don't know why they're not very secure about their relationship.
that they're apprehensive that being honest with each other would wreck it all apart.
and it's not that i don't understand their circumstances either, but i kinda envy that they know so much about each other that they know how the other would react to whatever they say.

[ he wouldn't put it past the issue of dying, but -- ]

I have an issue with the substitute part, which is that either me or my partner gets used as such. It's not so much as a matter of jealousy but more like .... why would you do that to him. Only I get to bully him.

I guess it kind of is enviable if you put it that way. But it's also very confining.

People can change. If you continue to insist "oh, he's going to react like this, because that's how he always is," they may not get the opportunity to adapt like they deserve. And that's wrong.

that's why i said finding a substitute is worse.
not because of jealousy, but because there's a big chance that your expectations of one person are being projected onto another.
i just don't like it when innocent people get hurt because of a misunderstanding that could've been solved by talking to each other like proper adults.

[ and it's so insulting too. like being compared with a person who is completely different from you? it doesn't sit well with her. ]

i don't know.
i guess i envy them because i've only spent a few weeks with the guy i like before he died.
and everything else i know about him are rumours from people who hate his family.

That's terrible. I'm sorry.

I hardly think anyone would turn them away, even if you leave them alone. At the end of the day they're not terrible, but I also don't fully believe they're incapable of conducting themselves better.

Do you know what his plans are for that card?

thanks, but you don't have to apologise.
there's only one person who should be sorry about it.

[ and he's dead anyway too, so. ]

isn't it to send lelouch home?
lelouch has the same plans for his card: to send suzaku home.
did they say anything otherwise?

Alright, I won't.

But you're correct in that. That's their respective goals. So what happens if you just end up getting another card?

I mean, if this were work, and you performing well, wouldn't your bosses only want you to keep going?

[ and this was a terrible idea, but it's something that his buddy john pointed out and it's been settling in his mind for a while. ]

someone will get very upset, i can tell you now.

but no, really. that crossed my mind lately too.
aside from that, i find it weird that the augur allows us to request for items that don't always benefit the island in a way that it would flourish.
i mean, some of us requested for plumbing and electricity and new buildings, sure, [ and fucking aphro bees and monsters wtf ] but if you think about it, that's not enough to realise the augur's goal of "bringing life back to this world".

i wonder if it's a way to pacify us and make us settle for what we have right now, instead of wanting to go back home.

I wonder. I don't know. I'm close to finishing mine, so I can tell you in a couple of days or so.

I've no doubts a few people will be very upset, but for those who don't have any other incentives to live in this city, I wonder what will change.

i'd appreciate it.

maybe the motivation to finally find some other way out?
i've honestly been trying, hoping i could get home without needing to comply to whatever the augur is asking us to do, but i haven't found one yet.

I know. I think a lot of people are trying, or at least waiting for an opportunity to present itself. I don't blame them. It's not exactly an ideal situation to be in.

You know I'll always be around to help, either way. In whatever way I can. I've business to return to, even if I've done very well for myself here.

[ very well is an understatement, vidar ]

i just

i think we need to learn more about the augur and how exactly they're pulling us from our worlds.
i can't tell if it's all just high tech machinery or some sort of magic i've never encountered before or it's a combination of both.

you're from the future, right? with robots and all?
do you have any technological breakthroughs that could pull people from different places?

Will you be able to tell if you were brought close to it? Like, if it uses any kind of magic at all?

And no. I'm from a .... plausible future, I guess? There is no magical shortcut for distances other than more expensive travel. It still takes time to go from point A to point B even with a mobile suit.

i should be able to, unless it's being blocked.
magic can be blocked or cloaked with magic, so it'll be as if there's nothing there at all.

i see.
i guess if there were, then you guys would've figured that out right away.